The Fragility of Confidence

Confidence is a bizarre thing. When it is high I get excited about the future  and I dream of eventing, hunting, beach rides, horse holidays, placings, qualification and beyond. When it is low I feel like I ought to sell Amber to a proper rider and stick to clear round show jumping and farm rides on a safe native pony. (Almost all my pre-Amber horses were safe native ponies. They are my comfort zone!)

I read another blog recently which said ‘I know I can do it because I’ve done it’. Which should be how I feel about Amber. I took her round a BE90 course last summer during camp. We HAVE done it. So why does the idea of entering an ODE seem ludicrous right now?

Tbh just cantering in the arena feels a bit of a challenge at the moment after a few tantrums during canter transitions. So even the dressage test phase is looking a bit daunting. Walk and trot tests feel more my level…. Arrrrghhh. I am driving myself mad.

Amber hated her lovely, shiny, new jump saddle hence the recent issues jumping and schooling. She is never shy about letting me know when she has an issue with anything and I only realised after a few weeks that the saddle might be the problem. She was running through the bridle, bucking, tensing, throwing her head around, jumping HUUUUGE and refusing to go straight. (The picture shows her ballooning a 1 metre oxer from trot…… And no that is not me on her!)

I had just about decided that I had somehow lost all my riding ability for some reason when my YO/RI got on and said she was being a nightmare. So we ditched the saddle, tried her in YO’s Butet and she was sweetness and light again. Bloody diva. Wont work in anything less than a £2K saddle….. So I was saddleless for a while while searching for a just-about-affordable one she will deign to wear. (In the meantime my children have holes and flappy soles on their shoes because ‘surely they will do a little longer’ Oops).

Anyway, search is over – today she was an angel in the school. 1000%  more relaxed and co-operative. Hurray.

But in my head she is still a stroppy diva and I have to steel myself to canter, let alone jump. I need a kick up the arse! Feel free to cyber-slap me anyone…..

A few months ago I was targeting Stafford in mid March as my first BE event with Amber. I have abandoned that idea without really even considering it. Yes it is partly the godawful winter we have had (and are continuing to have) which has meant I have been unable to take her XC schooling this year. But I know she would ping round easily anyway. It’s me that can’t/won’t do it not her.

Eland in April was meant  to be next but I have decided it is  too scary as my first event as it does not have an 80T option. Even though that was the 90 course I did last year. Kelsall and Somerford clash with other commitments.

So at the moment my first event of the year has been pushed back to Shelford Manor at the end of May. And even that feels too soon.

In the meantime operation Learn To Ride continues. I have had lessons on another horse, taken up Pilates (which seems to have buggered me more than helped me so far) started running and working on core strength. I will trust that if I keep putting in the work then this too shall pass and in a few weeks we will be flying again and wondering why on earth I was making such a meal of thing. Here’s hoping……